Pardew's Problems - All 60 Of Them!

Last updated : 24 April 2014 By Footy Mad - Editor

 

 1) Lack of natural motivation
 2) No idea of tactics
 3) Lack of natural enthusiasm
 4) Lack of vision
 5) No idea what foresight is
 6) No inspiration
 7) Absolutely no imagination
 8) Partial to long ball
 9) Prefers to seek sanctuary in excuses rather than fixing the root cause
 10) Thinks that consistency relates to viscosity rather than the form that a football team should maintain
 11) Defends when he should attack
 12) Thinks that Plan B means getting Shola on the pitch
 13) Failed to explain the importance of Cups to a hierarchy that knows nothing about why a football club exists.
 14) Has no philosophy except perhaps chaos
 15) Confuses acts of aggression with fortitude and being resolute
 16) Generally, cannot turn around a team that is losing
 17) Overly reliant on a few stellar performers
 18) Marginalises players when he should be incorporating them
 19) Does not improve players who are already bad, mediocre or already good
 20) Believes that playing players out of position is a tactic
 21) Believes playing 3 at the back when we have no speedy wingers makes sense
 22) Was given a contract that was 2-3 times longer than it should have been
 23) Lost the will to win the day this contract was signed
 24) Thinks that a manager can headbutt a player
 25) Never heard the saying about pot, kettle and black when he called Pelligrini a cunt
 26) Allowed Ben Arfa to get fat and inhibited our only creative player
 27) Keeps Ben Arfa on the bench when our most creative player is on the bench
 28) Didn't impress upon our owner the need for a bigger squad when playing in Europe
 29) Allowed our 2012/2013 campaign to crumble on his watch
 30) Destroyed our 2013/14 campaign with his ineptitude
 31) Used to patronises fan while talking about this great Geordie Nation and 53,000 screaming fans
 32) Now calls out our fans for creating an atmosphere... ...an atmosphere in which he plays no part
 33) Manages a club where a culture of mediocrity has been allowed to fill the vacuum left by not having ambition
 34) Said that Joe Kinnear was doing a great job when it was clear to Joe Kinnear that he was doing no such thing
 35) Plays Sissoko on the wing long after the novelty performances wore off
 36) Is breaking records that we would rather remain unbroken
 37) Has an eyewatering negative Goal Difference any manager should be ashamed of
 38) Having not won anything, is content to draw his wages and continue with a strategy that is sure to preserve that statistic
 39) Has taken years to perfect the most unimaginative, sterile and impotent set pieces that have ever graced the Premier League. A compilation of these would do nothing to enhance our reputation.
 40) Deluded enough to think that a particular goal would not have been scored had he been on the touchline.
 41) Does something quirky to unbalance the squad if there is ever a threat that it is becoming slightly balanced
 42) Did not manage or integrate the French Foreign Legion particularly well when they arrived.
 43) Marshals a defence containing several internationals to play like The Three Stooges. To be fair, the The Three Stooges would probably score against our defence.
 44) Gives Lawro , Hansen and every fucking pundit ammunition to slaughter us every week
 45) Has disenchanted supporters who have ridden the rollercoaster of supporting Newcastle for decades
 46) Numbed us into accepting 3-0, 4-0 defeats as commonplace
 47) Played Cabaye (when he was here) in Defensive Midfield. Something that no sane manager would do.
 48) Plays our second most effective striker (based on performances before he got here) on the wing
 49) Has lowered the output and quality of every player he was given. Except Cabaye who got fed up of carrying the team on his shoulders.
 50) Turned Cisse the Goal Machine into Cisse the Goat.
 51) Failed to prompt our owner to buy Remy when we stood at least a small chance of getting him.
 52) Has spoken about signings that "our fans should start getting excited about" when he forgot he was speaking to Newcastle fans who have heard it all before.
 53) Misplaced Sylvian Marveaux.
 54) Misplaced the good will our fans gave him after finishing 5th.
 55) Treats short passing as foreplay before the "money shot" of a long [ahem] pass forward.
 56) If Allardyce plays 19th Century football, Pardew must aim for the 18 hundreds
 57) Considers a Top 10 finish to be "Mission Accomplished"
 58) Thought Squidward was a good buy. Fergie probably couldn't believe his luck.
 59) Licks Mike Ashley's ar'sehole when he should be kicking him in it. Then again self preservation is not really a fault.
 60) Does not REALLY know or understand what the Mackem derby results have done to this club.