Newcastle Takeover: Picking a Completely Realistic Magpies Starting XI Under Rafa Benitez

Sheikh Khaled bin Zayed Al Nehayan and the Bin Zayed group should be confirmed as the new owners of Newcastle United anyyyyy day now, so it's time to start planning life under a billionaire owner who's promised to invest in the playing staff?

What does that mean? No more deals with Stoke for Joselu, for one. 

Think bigger picture. MBAPPE BIG. GOOGLE as a sponsor big. That kind of thing.

That's right. Here's a look at next season's starting XI for the Magpies which will 100% happen dontyouevenworryaboutitmate.

GK: David de Gea

David De Gea

Obviously, right now the Spanish number one can't hold a candle to Martin Dubravka - the Slovakian had 11 clean sheets in the league for the Magpies last season, while De Gea only mustered seven (what a loser).

But we have to look at the bigger picture here. Dubravka is 30, De Gea is only 28, and some 'experts' have been saying that he's actually BETTER than Dubravka, if you can believe that. Plus, his contract dispute with Man Utd has been well documented. If anything, he's a decent back-up option to the Slovakian wall. But we'll start him for a few matches and see how he does.​

RWB: Aaron Wan-Bissaka

Aaron Wan-Bissaka

All the 'big boys' of the Premier League are after the Palace defender's signature, but money talks, and we will surely be able to top any offer the United's or City's of the world will be able to submit. ​

Plus, there'll be no issue over game-time (sorry DeAndre Yedlin).

CB: Matthijs de Ligt

Matthijs de Ligt

The Dutch manchild has rightly earned plaudits for his performances this year, and Ajax are resolved to the fact that he will be leaving the flower fields of the Netherlands to ply his trade elsewhere.

What they probably weren't expecting is a €200m bid from Newcastle for his services, which they obviously would accept. And De Light, now on €1m-per-week wages at the Toon, would love life in sunny Newcastle, as opposed to the gloomy, rainy, pathetic beaches of Barcelona.

CB: Sergio Ramos


Sergio mate - no one is buying that dodgy press conference you gave ​claiming to be 'a Madridista' and wanting to retire at Real, especially after you asked to leave the club on a free.

Don't worry about anything free, you can get all the money and all the plaudits up here at St. James' Park. You'll become a Geordiesta, which is like a Madridista, only better.

LWB: Ferland Mendy


Mere minutes after Mendy signs for Real Madrid, Newcastle release the following statement:

"Newcastle United are pleased to confirm that Ferland Mendy will be joining the club for an undisclosed fee on a five-year deal. "

Real, in response, make their own announcement:

"We can confirm that we have accepted a bid in the region of €200m for Ferland Mendy from Newcastle United. We'd like to thank Mendy for his service to the club, and wish him well for the future."

Mendy, on reading the above, takes his gear from baggage claim and heads back up the steps at Ruben Barajas airport to the departures lounge.

DM: Sean Longstaff

Sean Longstaff

After selling Longstaff to Man Utd for ​£40m then buying him back immediately for £100m to let the Red Devils know just who the boss is, Longstaff will slot nicely into the midfield, and take the captain's armband.

He'll also start captaining the England national side and star in his own Netflix series: Sean Longstaff: The Making of a Legend.

CM: Paul Pogba

Paul Pogba

​Clearly disillusioned with life at Old Trafford, bored with the thought of returning to Juventus and worried that Real Madrid seem to be selling all the players to Newcastle, Pogba makes the smart choice and decides to join the powerhouse outfit on Tyneside - where his talents will finally be properly appreciated.

AM: Christian Eriksen

Christian Eriksen

"I feel that I am a place in my career where I might want to try something new. I have the wildest and deepest respect for everything that has happened in Tottenham, so I won't be negative. But I have also said that I would like to try something new.​"

-​Christian Eriksen, June 5, 2019.

He's basically begging for Newcastle to come get him, isn't he?

LF: Miguel Almiron


He'll have enjoyed his status as Newcastle's record purchase for the second half last season, but now that the pressure is off with the title being duly passed over (more on the recipient in a moment), ​the Toon Army can really get excited at what the electric Paraguayan can produce. 

You'd thought we'd want Messi here didn't you? Who needs him - we have Miggy.

RF: Kylian Mbappe

​Another player who is begging to join Newcastle after admitting to seeking a 'new challenge', the Magpies will duly oblige and free the French superstar from the prison that is PSG with a tidy €300m bid.

He'll have fellow France internationals Pogba and Mendy to keep him company and make the transition seamless as he starts his journey on the 15-year contract on Tyneside. What a lad.

FW: Salomon Rondon

Salomon Rondon

Frankly, the only name that matters on this list. Who knows where Newcastle would be without this beautiful man (the Championship).

He was only on loan from West Brom last season, but each of his 11 league goals were so damn good and satisfying that the new ownership will move heaven and earth to bring the legend that is Rondon back to St, James' Park, and this time for good (add in a clause that he'll become manager once Benitez is retired, and we should be sorted to continue the domestic and European success that will begin next season - oh, and a statue.)

Source : 90min